memories from lost night were hazy, as in basically non-existent. he only remembered walking into a bar, sitting down by the counter and ordering the first three scotchs. after that nothing. for all he knew, it might be a good thing. booze always brought out the weird side of him – the one who loved to reminisce of the past. usually he only did in his head, slowly drowned himself in nostalgic memories of the war. the drought. the hunger. the constant fear. every night was the last one, every day a fresh clean slate – two hours later already painted with blood of taliban soldiers he had to kill, painted with blue guilt because he was never able to save the little beggars on the streets. kids with guns, for god's sake. but last night he seemed to have a good night, judging by the dark haired woman lying next to him. she stole all of his sheets and for some reason that really pissed him off, but it might have only been the hangover speaking. a glance over to the clock revealed it was only eight in the morning, therefore there had to be a reason why he was awake and looking around the room. and then the knocking started again and he could only wonder who had the nerves to show up at his doors at this ungodly hour on a sunday morning.

''i'm coming,'' he yelled toward the doors, not thinking twice about waking his company. he got up and took the sheet with him, making a clear statement for the stranger it's her time to leave. pulling a sheet around his lower body, he made his way to the doors and opened them with a jolt. and stood there with eyes wide open and trying to make a sound but not a word left his mouth. ''what?'' was the first thing on his mind, while he had lots and lots of trouble understanding what the hell was she doing in front of his apartment. ''um. mind explaining what are you doing here?'' he finally found his voice without inviting her inside. ''what the hell, hope. showing up after more than six years? is this some kind of a joke? a hidden camera?'' his voice got all sorts of irritated. in the very same moment he learned she was actually alive and not dead as he thought, he made a promise – he'll never stand in the same room as hope grant again. and yet, there he was.

''nice to see me? i bet,'' he simply shook his head and looked away. perhaps he was afraid, she would catch something in his eyes if he stared at her for too long. perhaps he just didn't want to give himself a chance to take her all in. all after all she was the main reminder of afghanistan. that one person who had the ability to completely understand his crazy mind and could see pass all of his bullshit. ''really? i don't give a shit about who calls you how, you're hope for me, end of the story,'' he got all over-protective. he still remembered the day she joined them in the base. at first all preppy and excited, looking like a californian cheerleader with her sun-kissed skin and golden hair. she told everyone she is hope, they all laughed at her. there was no hope left in that war. ''and you still haven't answer my question. i hate being repetitive but, what are you doing here?'' he returned to the first point. as much as he would like to understand what's going on, it was impossible without her answers. six years have gone by. he was doing just fine, obviously so was she. and now she was here in front him, like nothing happened. ''i have no idea what you're talking about. i don't even know how to use voicemail?'' he said with a hint of unsureness. ''wait... i called you? when? last night? oh, fuck,'' his eyebrows furrowed over his forhead. soon he was staring at her phone, which played his slurred drunken voice. shit.

he listened to his every word in faint disbelief. ''and you just stood up and took the first plane here,'' was the first realization. after six years he came to greet her half naked, was the next. as soon as he came to his senses, he was able to step aside and clear a path for her to enter his apartment. ''which leads me to my next question – why would you do that? i was clearly wasted and drunk out of my mind,'' he asked, mainly to satisfy his curiosity. he rather wouldn't start discusing details of his call. drunk dialing is a bitch. ''doesn't matter what i mean. not anymore,'' was the only reply he gave her, a mumbled one. doors of his bedroom opened and the brunette came searching for an exit – dressed in a skimpy hot red dress and stripper boots. she was still sleepy and just stumbling over to them, not paying them much attention. ''oh – i guess you'll find your own way out?'' he said to the unknown female as she exited with a quick wave of her hand. ''sorry about that. last night is a bit foggy. i kinda don't remember a thing. much less calling you,'' his gaze held hers as he closed the doors behind them with a death grip on the sheet around his hips. ''i can't believe i called you,'' he almost laughed. hope grant, in flesh and bones. in mayberry.

''you missed me,'' he slowly nodded as he was trying to completely comprehend her words. was there a hidden meaning among those lines? yet her statement seemed sincere. but it was six years, long six years when she had all the time in the world to pick up the goddamn phone and call him. he spend five of those years thinking she has been blown up in the middle of the afghanistan sky during her return to the states. first he lost nathan. then there were news of american army helicopter's explosion the same day she was going back. he thought it was her up in the air. dead. and then out of the bloom he saw her name under a certain article in the newspaper and spit coffee all over the table. ''i'm always cursing,'' he simply shrugged, not offering an apology. ''i mean exactly what i said. i thought you were dead. i thought you were in that american helicopter that blew up the same day you went back...'' he offered a lame explanation, darting his gaze back and forth. ''you never called. i assumed you were dead. that you died. but i guess you didn't – i only found out about that like a year ago. you're alive.'' what else could he say? he spent the first few months after homecoming in sort of a denial. nathan was dead, hope was dead. everyone was dead, everyone good was dead and he was alive. it made no sense at all. it still doesn't.

''i have no idea. someone,'' was another lame reply, but he really didn't know the brunette's name. he was just happy she found an exit by herself and without causing much of a scene. he followed hope into the apartment and stood by her as she sat down on his couch. it was weird seeing her far away from bombs and sand and heat. it was weird seeing her in real clothes. feminine clothes. weird. ''how long are you staying? where are you staying?'' questions followed in a matter of seconds. ''you should stay here,'' he firmly said, decided he won't take no for an answer. if he was the reason she came, even if he didn't remember making the call, then she'll stay there with him. at least for a little while. ''hope, please... you've seen me far by more naked than i'm now and never said a thing. now you're worried of decency?'' he laughed until he saw the look in her eyes and a soft blush spreading over her face. ''you're really embarrased by naked chest you've seen a hundred times before? god, hope, you've seen my butt already. no reason to be shy,'' he sighed with an amused glance but left towards his room to grab a pair of pants. ''i'm good. just peachy,'' he anwsered as he searched through chaos in his bedroom, obviously a consequence of last night's get-together. finally he collected some old jeans and pulled them on along with fresh underwear, then returned into the living room. ''i'm a cop now,'' he said and sat down beside her, their thighs almost touching. ''six years later and i still shoot people for living. i'm like peter pan of the army, jesus.''

''i haven't been ignoring you, hope. i've been mourning you – there's quite a difference,'' he patiently corrected her, not wanting to remember those past years. they were so full of hatred and angst. if it wasn't for tiana, he would never be able to make it his far. she really was his saving bell. ''our fight was nothing. i mean it was big at the time. but i planned to call you when i would get out. when things settled down, i planned to call you and apologize,'' he tried to explain furthermore, although he felt stupid for jumping to conclusions without checking first. he should call someone, see if she was on that helicopter. he never did and all the guilt he felt was unbearable. ''i could never hate you, don't be silly,'' he offered her a small smile and he almost leaned towards her to shuffle her hair around, but stopped himself before even making a move. ''i guess i missed you too,'' he found himself saying quietly, his eyes set on her. ''i don't know why i called, i promised to myself i wouldn't. because you remind me of so many things. i look at you and i see... everything. and it's not all bright moments.'' it really wasn't all so pleasant, no matter how much he wanted it to be. he only wanted to keep the good memories of her. the two of them with nate sitting by the camp fire, laughing in the middle of the night, fighting of mosquitoes. her sleeping in the crook of his arm through cold nights. her cooking beans. her her her. ''my attitude towards women is none of your concern,'' he mumbled again, desperate to end this uncomfortable topic.

''you're leaving the hotel, end of story. i mean it. i'll go with you, we'll pick up your things and you'll stay here. it's only fair.'' he really won't take no for an answer. she could battle him with as many arguments as she wanted, but she'll stay her, even if he had to go all caveman on her and drag her back to his place. no way was she staying at some stinky hotel room, when she could stay in his stinky flat. ''so how's it going so far? the conversation i mean? you have me here naked and hangover, what more do you want? you have to give me at least few more hours so i can sober myself up properly and take you out or something,'' he responded, looking sideways to her. it was something new, having her so near, without the unbearable heat and without constant fear. ''a naked nolan is a naked nolan. you're acting silly, you know that? it's completely different from, let's say, you strolling around with your tits out – miss modesty,'' he poked her between ribs, gently, with his finger. that was one brilliant image in his head now. hope walking around his apartment in her underwear. that did funny things to his gut. ''it's amazing how you handled seeing people's body parts being blown off and you start blushing at the sight of some chest,'' he laughed sincerely, still teasing her. ''you can see that i'm a cop? whoah, really? how? there are no donuts leftovers on the table,'' he immediately started to look around as if looking for evidences of his career, none. just empty bottles of beer. ''syria? had a nice trip? lots of champagne and five star hotels, right?'' it was an inside joke. there was no luxury in the middle of pain and killing. ''it's very weird. but also... kinda nice. refreshing. we can still go out and camp on the floor or roll around in mud. you know naked, to make sure you get more comfortable during your stay here.''

''it's okay. no need to apologize for my stupidity. i should've checked, made sure it was your helicopter,'' he shrugged nonchalantly, trying to make this mess a bit more minor. it wasn't that simple, of course. you couldn't just erase a few years and try to see the problem as if it didn't matter. for gods sake, dead. he thought she'de been dead for so many years. he had the time to come over the news and she should do the same. ''please, just don't... don't talk about nathan. that's behind us all. just don't mention him, okay?'' he tried to stop her before she went too far and perhaps brought up some distant memories he tried so hard to bury deep within. it was enough that he had to look at tiana every single day and be reminded of his best friends death. ''it messed up your head, i get it,'' he nodded in perfect understanding. most of people didn't get it – how it felt to be suddenly dropped into a whole different world. switch desert for concrete jungle, food jars for restaurant meals. ''okay. we should stop reminiscing about the past. it's the past and nothing more, lets just focus on the lovely fact you're here in my apartment, in mayberry.'' he never was very good at small talk, that much was obvious. and he was only trying to lighten up the mood: ''i'm no such thing. for all you know i might be engaged or even married.'' of course he wasn't. but then again, he wouldn't mind if he would be. because at thirty every normal human being had at least some intentions to settle down – if not right away then at least in the near future.

''we'll move your things later and you stay as long as you want. if you have a job to get done... make sure you come back. i can't really let you go now that i have you back, you know,'' he smiled at her when she laughed. her laughter filled up his living room, completely lightening it up. she had the most sincere and honest laughter – much like tiana if he compared. ''no, i like teasing your far too much to just quit it. seeing you blush is incredibly adorable,'' he wiggled his brows, letting her know she's not off the hook yet. ''i haven't changed that much. i don't have a beer belly... and what was that with it's your chest?'' it was his turn to laugh as he shook his head. ''i'm not pretending. you used to have a big crush on me, big deal. you haven't seen me in ages, so why...'' he continued immediately and then stopped mid-sentence with a suspicious look in his eyes, all part of another one of his jokes: ''oh. it's not like...?'' his eyes went wide in a mocking attempt to imply she still had a crush on him, but laughter got the better part of him as he shook from it. ''well it's not like you're still into me that way, so deal with it. your stuck with me, my apartment and my naked chest, end of story,'' was his next reply as he settled down the couch while still looking at her. ''it was hot. it was only logical to take off our clothes. i doubt it i'll ever see you naked again, unless you like to walk around the apartment naked? in that case, let me just get a bottle of beer and settle down on this couch. i'll watch, won't touch, pinky promise.''
'

''She was my part-time gardener. You know I'm really into gardening these days. I have like three cactus' and they require a lot of care... um, shit. Cactus' are the ones you have to water once per few weeks, right?'' he easily found an unbelievable excuse for the girl she had a chance to meet at the front doors. His one night stand were kind of a daily thing, except for the nights he hung out with Tiana. It was funny how he felt incredibly guilty every time her name came up in the same thought-line as sex, booze and women. ''Anyhow... she was nothing. I mean, obviously we had a good time, but lucky for me she has enough brain to find her way out without questions and talking,'' he waved his hand as dismissing an unimportant issue. And that's what it was – just another girl without a name and a face. It was okay as long as she had a willing body and no expectations. The minute those came walking in, he started to walk out. It was hard enough that everyone saw him as some sort of a hero due to his military past. But him being someone's knight in shining armor? That give him excruciating nightmares that couldn't compare even to memories of blown-up bodies from Affie. ''I'm single. Still. But at least I get laid a lot, so I'm not all that lonely,'' he pushed the topic in a different direction and put a big wide smile on his face. ''How about you? I don't see any engagement ring on your finger. Are you available or has someone already swept you off your feet?'' he asked with a sincere curiosity. He always thought she deserved someone... well, strong. Not some ass-wiped pussy with a big money account and fancy background.

''I have absolutely no idea. I lived her with a friend for years and then he god himself twins and an Irish wife so now I'm alone,'' he shrugged and grasped his hair just to pull it in different directions. He already looked hungover and felt hungover, so there was no point in trying to keep a shiny fake appearance. ''There are a bunch of available apartments though. It's a good place to settle down,'' he suggested with a wink. Truth be told, nothing would satisfy him more than to see her settle down in an apartment across the hall. He would be knocking at her doors at the most inhuman hours of the day/night and would make sure she was okay. All the time. ''No worries, I love the thought of making and seeing you blush. Even more now that you spilled out the secret that I make you do that,'' he bit his lower lip and nodded as the blush spread even wider across her cheeks and she started to fan herself, looking unbelievably cute while doing so. ''Riiight,'' he sang as she denied any kind of current crush, even though he believed her. But he enjoyed far too much teasing her to just give up. ''There's not much else to that. I still have monthly sessions with a shrink where I'm supposed to talk about war. I still drink way too much and fuck too many women. I really don't have a life someone could be proud of,'' was the only answer he could give her as he looked at her and made sure he did a whole body check with his eyes: ''So... nice change of subject, but seriously. No striptease for an old friend? Boo-hoo. Your such a downer.''

''I'm a perfect liar, when I want to be. I just don't want to be lying to you. Even if I would – you always saw through all of my bullshit so that would help no one,'' he simply shrugged. He still remembered their first encounter when she stood in the middle of the desert, trying to cope with the fact she just entered a completely new world. His base's general just waved her off, not wanting a reporter with them, but then her mentor got killed and they were stuck with her. Every single guy tried to be in her good graces, but she only hanged out with him and Nate. ''There is this one... what? I suspect there must be a guy. I mean look at you, you're practically the epitome of gorgeousness,'' he smiled when she didn't finish that one sentence and at last gestured towards her. She really was gorgeous with her slim curves, long blond hair, sparkly eyes and a wide bright smile. He wouldn't call her a Yankee, more like a Southern Belle. ''If it wasn't for your shitty job, guys would be lining up in front of your door,'' he smartly added. ''Riiiight. I did it, though. Swept you off your feet. Not intentionally but it's a proof that you're not so unreachable as you might think,'' he chuckled. What it would be like if he would act upon his wants back then? She was attractive, she was available and she wanted him. But for some reason he always pushed her away when she came to close and always resisted the temptation to give her a simple brush of lips on the cheek. ''It's okay... a lot of great people. You should probably meet Nathan's former girlfriend, Tiana. You two would get along wonderfully,'' he at first described his hometown and then mentioned that special brunette in his life.

''Oh, I'm a bonus? In that case you really must move here. We could have fancy dinners and do all those stuff normal people do,'' he suggested with a careful tone of invitation. Maybe this was the right time to do something about that former temptation? ''No, it doesn't matter how I take it. It is what it is. It's the past. Eventually I'll deal with it but not by talking to a shrink in a locked room,'' he immediately shook his head and looked away from her. Everyone dealt with this differently. He didn't talk about it and he tried to resolve it all inside of himself. He never was much of a emotional person so it was in his nature. ''Hope...'' he murmured when he glanced back and saw she was practically crying. That sparked the protectiveness in him and he sat up and reached towards her, pulling her against him in a half hug, with his chin set on her head. ''I'm sure I'll change your mind about striptease. But seriously... you should talk to Tiana, she's pretty much amazing you know. And maybe you could get a different perspective. She'd always been on the sidelines – waiting for Nate to come home, dealing with my ghosts. It might be helpful,'' he continued and a sharp pain went through him just with the thought of Tiana: ''Just don't mention I've sent you there. At the moment we're not speaking, because I kinda slept with her sister and that didn't go through that well with her.'' Gosh, he really sounded like the world-class jerk, didn't he? He ran his hand through her soft hair and even put a soft kiss on the top of her head. ''Look at you, clinging to my chest.''