and it holds me so tight,

Naslov sporočila: and it holds me so tight, Čet Dec 13, 2012 3:26 am

note: sorry it took me so long. :3

from time to time his rationality vanished and he involuntarily got his hopes up. that in the end this whole day will turn out to be nothing but an excruciating nightmare of epic proportions. this morning he got up and dressed into his gatsby costume, prepared to enjoy a day in the countryside. he didn't expect for the train to blow up. he wasn't prepared for people's screams, blood, pain everywhere. he wasn't ready to reveal who he is to her. it was all supposed to stay a secret, none of this was supposed to happen. she should be able to have one normal day without the accident floating over her memories. but once again she ended up caught beneath iron and he was there beside her, once again playing the pathetic role of a so-called hero. it all triggered her memory and now she knew it all – how he was the one to pull her out of the totaled car the night of her accident. how he stayed by her side and never left, even though he didn't mention the saving part. he led her to believe that the real hero was still somewhere out there and she was searching for that perfect knight in shining armor who never showed up. sadly, reality was nowhere near perfect. and now he was sitting behind the wheel of his patrol car and lois was sleeping while cuddled into the seat beside him, her head resting on the windshield. he only glanced at her once all the way through a thirty minutes drive from charlotte's main hospital back to mayberry.

help arrived far too late and while waiting he only sat beside her, giving her space while she rested and refused to even look at him. he could understand her dissociation, her... whatever it was she's feeling. but it didn't make things any easier. even he wanted to explain, he couldn't, he didn't have a clue how. why would one stay undercover when one could take all credits and gloat in the spotlight? he gripped the wheel tighter and made a right turn towards his apartment. he parked in front of the apartment building and tried to take a deep breath. he removed her seat belt and left the car to open the doors on her side. he made sure he didn't wake her when he cautiously scoped her up and her head lolled onto his shoulders. they stitched her bleeding wound up and gave him her pain meds. she shouldn't be in any pain. she shouldn't be going through all of this again – another trauma, another haunting memory. another event to forget, another mistake to blame him for. she only started waking up in his arms once they reached his apartment's doors. ''hey,'' he murmured in her hair and gently dropped her down, not letting her go until he made sure she was steady on her feet. ''you fell asleep in the car...'' he started and tried to unlock his front door without much success. ''fuck,'' he silently cursed and finally managed to beat the god damned lock and open the door. ''i only brought you here because it was closer than your place,'' it was his way of apologizing without actually doing it. he only pushed the door to open wide and waited for her to say at least something. this silent treatment has been driving him nuts ever since they got into the hospital.

Naslov sporočila: Re: and it holds me so tight, Čet Dec 13, 2012 12:34 pm

tagged is the gorgeous nolan smitten 1

this post is 815 words long and i am listening to daughter for inspiration.
oh nonsense! totalno se je splačalo čakat, this is awesome! :3

the painkillers they inserted into her system started kicking in almost immediately. she blanked out even before they had the chance to stitch her up properly. what she had in her head from that point up were blurry visions and distant voices, flowing past her like the river. she remembered herself thinking, this is it. this is the end of the line. for a blank second she welcomed death with opened arms. everything was so peaceful - there, wherever she was. it was like she was thrown into the deepest trans a person could ever imagine and she had no desire to wake up to the cruel world that surrounded her up to this point. the blurry figures she could see somewhere in the distance were a lot nicer, a lot more pleasant than those which she had the opportunity of meeting while she was at her senses. and then, as if someone turned off the switch, she fell into a strong, dreamless slumber. she then woke up for a second or so when they were on the highway. car lights were passing her at the speed of light. they were so strong that she had no other choice than to simply close her eyes again, which made her sleepy again, instantly. maybe it was the drugs they inserted into her body, then again, it might have been the blood loss. most likely it was one combined with the other. and then, as she opened her eyes once more, they were god knows where. she was in his arms, as if this was really a fairy tale. her knight in shining armor really did show up; he lifted her up and carried her, since she was too weak to do it herself. oh, god, who was this person? for some time now, she believed she had nolan figured out. she believed she understood him. and now - this? as her mind was slowly waking up, she started realizing how he had just saved her once more. and how they were at his apartment, how he was putting her down so that she could stand on her very own two feet once for a change, how he was trying to do the right thing and how he was just as confused as she was. "hey," she murmured back at him, feeling quite.. uncomfortable. she blanked out on her night, more or less on the past two hours or so and she really wasn't feeling that great about it. she was standing there, next to the man she worshiped and feeling quite like an idiot for the way she had been acting. at that moment, the thing she desired most of all was being out of harm's way, also meaning being as away from him as possible. yes, she was dragged to him by her feelings, as much as she wanted to run away according to her mind. she slowly nodded, as he stated the obvious, wondering what was going to happen next. he opens that door, then what? she sleeps over on the couch? such a bad idea. she wanted to be close to him more than anything, yet at the same time she really didn't want to spend the night. she would end up with a broken heart, their friendship would be shattered. she didn't want to talk, yet the silence was cutting her like a knife. god, why was it so hard to get her emotions straightened out? "i don't think.." she started slowly, ready to tell him how much this doesn't sound like a good idea - and then she reminded herself. if she didn't want the friendship to be destroyed, she needed to stop pushing it. stop making a big deal out of, well, everything. time to chill. wasn't that something that the doctor ordered? god, she really couldn't remember. "yeah.. yes. thank you," she nodded and allowed a smile to crawl upon her face. "how long was i out?" she asked as she entered the apartment she pretty much already knew. she was here a couple of times and it wasn't all that new to her anymore. it was nice and cozy. "what time is it?" as she tried to do something like a half turn, leaving her feet exactly where they were, but turning her body in order to look at nolan, some intense pain kicked in. the stitches. how stupid of her. she made a painful expression, immediately turning her torso back where it belonged. oh god! she stretched her hand out, feeling the cold wall at her fingertips, slowly progressing to the living area of the apartment. as they reached it, silence clouded them for what seemed like hours. "nole, do you.." she started suspended, but continued, when she glanced at him, figuring she has his attention, "do you think this is wise? me, staying here.. after everything?"

Naslov sporočila: Re: and it holds me so tight, Sre Dec 19, 2012 5:06 am

he rarely felt true fear. bones chattering, skin shivering fear. because fear was something that made you lose your grip of control – it had the ability to drive you nuts, it drove you straight out of your mind and pushed you over the edge. it was dangerous. and he no longer appreciated that special angsty thrill that came along side with danger. he was thirty years old, for god's sake. it was high time for him to stop being obsessed with his past and stop expecting for something to blow up every single minute. but right now, in this moment, when he held her up in his embrace, he felt true fear. but it wasn't because of him and right now, he hadn't been thinking about his past. but he felt scared due to her breakable state. due to a pale shade of her skin, a soft blush on her cheeks, her almost non-existent weight. she was a spinning image of a porcelain doll that could break without a warning. ''what?'' he softly murmered when he rested her down. ''you don't think what?'' he wanted her to... no, he needed her to finish that sentence. he was never good at explaining himself or what he felt and small talk was so foreign to him. what was he supposed to say to someone that had been through two terrible accidents in the span of only a few months? that he was sorry? like people said to him when they've heard of nathan's death? that they're sorry for his loss? like it was somehow their fault when it wasn't. he didn't crash into her car, he didn't cause the train to crash. he simply jumped into those two chapters of her life and did his best to help her bare with the pain. ''a few hours. you're all stitched up now and we're back in mayberry – obviously,'' he said as he gestured around his apartment she'd been in before.

''you probably shouldn't... do that,'' he tried to stop her once she started to turn her upper body around so that she could face him. ''you'll ruin your stitches. you should lie down.'' now he was full of advice those doctors told him. they were so sure he was her... partner or something. it must have been the way he stood by her bedpost right until the last stitch was cut off. how little did they know. she probably hated him for lying to her. now, his concern for her made him close the distance between them and his hands gently led her on, right through the open door frame of his bedroom. he turned the light switch on and the bedroom lit up. ''it's late,'' he only then answered her question. he raised his brows and then... simply shrugged. ''i honestly don't know what's right or wrong anymore. that line is completely blurred. i know that lying to you was deeply wrong, yet it felt right in my head at the time. and now... i'm all kinds of confused,'' he mumbled around searching for a proper clarification. ''i just want to take care of you. you're so – so delicate. and tender. and so beautiful. and you shouldn't have stitches or dark memories of cars and trains crashing,'' he continued and closed his mouth with a deep sigh while leaning back on the door frame, pushing his hands deep inside of his front pockets. ''i really am sorry, lois.'' there was nothing more he could do than apologize for the rest of his life. he knew he made a lot of mistakes, he'll most surely make even more. but it was never his plan to hurt her on any level. she was just too precious to be hurt by him. even too precious to be anywhere near him.

Naslov sporočila: Re: and it holds me so tight, Pon Dec 31, 2012 7:11 am

tagged is the gorgeous nolan smitten 1

this post is 658 words long and i am listening to daughter for inspiration.

"nothing," she shook her head, obviously knowing this wasn't a really good idea. was it smart to talk about.. about everything? about what happened, what was supposed to stay hidden but somehow got in the way anyway? she was so strongly confused; she expected this, in every way, to he the happiest moment of her most recent life. finding that prince she had been dreaming of for so long and finally remembering.. little bits of the puzzle. still, she wasn't happy. she was dazed and confused, not happy. she was tired and helpless, never happy. "yea.. yes," she nodded to his obvious description of what went down in the past few hours. he saved her again; it developed such strongs feelings for him, simple because - no matter what he said - he was the savour of her dreams. and still at the same time, she didn't understand. she didn't understand anything. how could he be this.. how could he do such a.. how could he be so cruel? he knew what life was like for her, it was like dying and coming back, still he didn't give away the one thing she wanted to know, he kept it to himself - it just did not make any sense at all! "yeah," she smiled in pain, as she realized it really wasn't a good move, her, turning her torso like that. it hurt quite a bit. she followed him slowly, realizing how his attitude changed just a bit. he was even more gentle than ever, although he was always too protective of her. now he was acting as if she was a porcelain doll, one that was worth millions and billions and could not fall down in any case. she sat down on his soft bed, looking him directly into his eyes, feeling closer to him than ever. something happened, perhaps it really was just a spark that turned on fire, but the spark was so strong, it could burn down a city easily. "join the club," she smiled gently, trying to show him that she didn't resent him. he lied to her and it was wrong, yet she couldn't blame him. she simply.. didn't understand why he would act so selfless. it was irrational. she tried to say something, but his last words kind of left her speechless. it was something so.. so out of this world, so unexpected, so beautiful. how, why, why would he say that? she could feel tears gatheing from behind her eyes, but she gave it her all. she didn't want to break into tears again. she didn't want to be delicate and tender. she didn't want to seem so helpless. so lost. and as she gave it her thought - that was exactly what she was. she was lost in a world she didn't really feel a part of and nolan was the first person that kind of made her feel as if.. as if she belong. "i don't.." she started with a hoarse tone, smiling softly at him. "i don't resent you," she finally muttered, looking at her feet, which were dangling off the bed. "i don't understand why you didn't tell me.. but i'm not mad at you. i couldn't be." she smiled softly oncemore, raising her head just a little and facing his eyes again. there was so much more to say, still at that moment she could think of nothing. moments passed as they were just looking at each other and she realised at that time that he was really the only one in her life that she could ever rely on. she could feel tears rushing from behind her eyes and she tried to hide them with a smile and a soft laughter, then she shook her head a bit and murmured: "i don't know what would have happened if you weren't there." in the vagon, at the car, it didn't matter, really. he was there.

Naslov sporočila: Re: and it holds me so tight, Sre Jan 09, 2013 4:31 am

he didn't want to push her over the edge but it was essential to him to know what the hell has been going on inside of her head since the accident. did she blame him for everything? did she hate him for lying to her? but he didn't dare to repeat his question again. it was her right to now keep things away from him if she wanted to. he most certainly didn't deserve her forgiveness much less her trust. ''you have every right to hate me, i know that. but please, i beg of you... i can't have you walking around hating me. it would just hurt too fucking much,'' he really was prepared to beg, it was his last resort. in the last few weeks she became his morning glory. helping her, spending time with her, it was an everyday routine and probably the only routine he ever enjoyed. of course there was always tiana there for him, but that was a path he wasn't willing to follow. this, however. this was a possibility. a possibility he now ruined for them both. perhaps it was for the better that the truth came out and was now in the open. this way there was absolutely nothing he kept from her. she knew it all. she knew he had a messed up past, she knew he tended to get paranoid about certain things and now she knew he would always risk his life just to save hers. ''you don't?'' he sounded dumbfounded when she muttered those magical words. he sat down beside her with a stupid hopeful look in his eyes. this was more than he wished for. but maybe he heard her wrong. ''oh no. shit, lois, don't. don't cry. i don't deserve it,'' he started murmuring and his hands cupped her face, his thumbs caressing her dry cheeks. the tears weren't falling down yet, but she really did start to get all teared up.

''i need to get it all out,'' he deeply sighed and crossed his palms in front of him, picking his words carefully. ''i didn't tell you because i didn't want to be some kind of a hero,'' he blurted and looking down to the points of his shoes. ''since i got back from kabul, every single person in this town has seen me as someone honorable, someone who does the right things, who serves his country. someone who is... good, i guess,'' he continued with explaining and he was way too aware of the fact that her thighs were touching his and they were in his apartment on his bed. ''the pressure got to me right away and then i did a lot of stupid things. i drank. i... slept around with way too many women. i messed things up on purpose,'' his brows furrowed and he risked a quick look towards her but ended up not being able to look away. ''i was afraid i would do the same to you – mess everything up. obviously i did exactly that no matter what,'' he raised his hands, one more time cupping her face. ''i don't want to mess this up.'' it was the truth. her, him. it was already doomed to break even before it started. the tears now quietly running down her cheeks completely confused him and he rushed to dry them away with his palms. ''but i was there, that's all that matters,'' he corrected her. no point in wondering about 'what if's'. ''i want to fix this. maybe not right away... but soon. we'll fix this. we need to fix this, because we're good together,'' it had to be the cheesiest thing ever to come out of his mouth but he didn't even register that. his thumb went south, away from her cheeks and it drifted across her full bottom lip. ''so beautiful.''

Naslov sporočila: Re: and it holds me so tight, Sre Jan 09, 2013 10:46 pm

tagged is the gorgeous nolan smitten 1

she started shaking her head when he was talking about understanding why she could hate him and not wanting her to at the same time. how could she hate him? he was prepared to put his life down to save hers - twice - and that was not really a valid reason for hating him. oh no, she loved him dearly, however momentarily she felt somewhat betrayed. not in the classical way, where he'd go and sleep around with someone while they'd be dating, not anything like that. she felt like a part of him was a lie throughout all this time. as if she believed to know him so good and ended up not knowing him at all. it stinged a bit. right where the heart was. "of course i don't," she whispered back to him, realizing her answer shocked him a lot. he really did believe she was mad, he really did think that she could resent him. how could he think that? he knew her, she was a little flower, soft as cotton. she knew that her moment of weakness at the sight of the accident must have seemed as if she was strongly pissed, but she really wasn't. not at him, not after everything he had done for her. not after being prepared to sacrifice his own life just to make sure she's safe. the moment his hands started gently caressing her face, holding down the tears was even a harder job than she thought it would be. oh god, she was just full of emotions she didn't even understand and the situation alone was so stressful she had no idea how to pass it without having a nervous breakdown. she raised her eyes when he started talking; it was painful to listen; she didn't know why, it just was. something about the situation alone was telling her that it was really hard for him to get his feelings out and knowing that she was the person he wanted to share these feelings and facts with, well, it was hard and intoxicating. after a few sentences, somewhere between his mistakes he had been counting with a sad face, she looked away. this was - it was simply so hard to maintain focus on what he was saying after drowning in his beautiful eyes. the words once again seemed slow and unclear; the room felt smoky and blurry. "no," she quickly said, shaking her head at a really slow speed. oh, no, he didn't mess up, he.. he was being simply too harsh on himself. he did nothing wrong, well, at least nothing so wrong that it couldn't be fixed. "you're not.." she started and then stopped in a beat. "you didn't." you didn't mess it up. he really didn't. it was reckless thinking that she would never find out, but at the same time she was supposed to simply never remember. she could understand why he would think that he was protecting her, although she didn't need protection. she needed answers, the one he hid from her. an endless circle for sure, but the situation they were dropped into in the past 24 hours made remembering possible. the circle was broken. it was time to pick up the pieces. his hands felt so good on her face; she leaned a bit closer, pushing her head against his hand as if she had found that warm and safe place she always wanted to find. her eyes were tearing up, but the tears weren't all that bad; some of them were just precious tears of joy and closure. she raised her eyes again after hearing him say something that seemed almost too romantic for their relationship so far. after looking up, she couldn't look away. he was so handsome, so loving and caring. "thank you," she whispered.

Naslov sporočila: Re: and it holds me so tight, Pet Jan 18, 2013 4:57 am

note: such a suckfest. pale

he knew to recognize a good thing when it stood right in front of him. he might be a lot of things, but he wasn't blind. despite all of his past mistakes, he had no intentions of letting her go any time soon. he could easily settle for companionship since they were already at that precise stage and they were quite good at it. however it was impossible to deny he felt the urge to press his lips against hers, when he looked down at them and leaned slightly forward, slowly invading her personal bubble. but he didn't know how to explain this to her. in spite of his lies, regardless his past, she still trusted him with his life. she didn't move away when his thumb drifted across the small wet path her teardrops made on her cheeks. there was something heartbreakingly beautiful about silent tears. the ones that just spilled over the edge without making a barest of sounds. ''no,'' he murmured back and shook his head. she wasn't supposed to be the one thanking him. ''thank you,'' he even smiled a little. she probably didn't even imagine what an impact she had on him. for the past ten years he was stuck inside the same gut-wrenching circle without an escape route – always dizzily spinning around, always pushing everybody away, never letting a hint of his emotions show. non-sense therapeutic crap never offered much help. and as much as he would love her to, tiana didn't understand the burden. the burden of forgetting and remembering but lois somehow did.

''lie down,'' he then ordered gesturing towards the pillow and raising slightly from the bed so she could do as he said and finally get some rest. he rearranged the pillows around her head and then covered her with a warm blanket, his hand lingering on the curve of her hips. ''you will be okay, you know?'' he paused without really looking at her. instead he stared at his own hand, the way it was nestled to her side. ''the accident will fade away, so will the scars. and you'll learn how to live and cope with memories. it gets easier and then it's okay. it's never great or perfect, but okay is quite good enough.'' of course this were his experience talking. the only person he shared his views with before had been jacqueline but it felt amazingly good to just sit beside lois and talk to her. he knew he should leave her to get some rest – they both crucially need it after everything that day. ''catch some sleep, will ya?'' he gave her a reassuring smile and lifted himself up from the bed, letting her go. he planned to settle down on his old couch in the living room, but firstly he needed to know she'll be fine. ''i'll be just down the hall and if you need anything simply yell or something,'' he awkwardly concluded and made a gesture towards the doors behind him. ''good night,'' he said in a hoarse whisper, then tilted to her head once more, his lips silently rushing past her in a almost non-existent kiss.